Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category:
Please, “Mother Government,” just ban all celebrating. Honestly, it offends me every time I see the Patriots celebrate a Super Bowl victory, and I demand that either the Vikings get to celebrate alongside them or they should not be allowed to celebrate. At the very least, make it illegal for the celebration to be aired on government-controlled frequencies.
Also, as long as we have banned Christmas, can we please ban “New Years,” too? I saw a sign in the Ramsey County Courthouse today that said “Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year!” For your informaion, my New Years is not January 1. My New Years is the beginning of Advent, and not only will we not celebrate it (because it’s different than that of the Jews, the Chinese, the Muslims, the Persians, etc.), but it would be way too confusing for our less-than-intelligent (and rather unsophisticated) government to figure out each year. Why? Because it’s not on the same day every year, for one.
If you don’t know where I’m coming from, it’s about an eight (8) foot menorah.
The official Christmas trees may still be missing from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, but a few individual airline employees have decided to try to put some spirit back into the holiday.
Employees at both Delta and Frontier airlines took up a collection on Monday and bought a few foot-tall decorated trees for the check-in counter.
The airlines employees’ move came after airport officials removed all nine Christmas trees in the building in response to a rabbi’s request to add an 8-foot menorah to the holiday decorations.
Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky made the request weeks ago, when he demanded officials add a menorah next to the trees and threatened to file a lawsuit if his request wasn’t honored.
Instead, officials decided to remove holiday decorations as a whole. Maintenance workers boxed up the trees during the graveyard shift early Saturday, when airport bosses believed few people would notice.
A few people went on to notice…
This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
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Pete Puma’s Lair has the latest:
In a stunning turn of events, the Whitehouse today announced that it had selected another white, evangelical Christian man to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. In a brief press conference from the Oval Office, President Bush nominated Jesus H. Christ, our Lord and Savior, as the 112th Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.
Democrats immediately cried foul. “He’s very religious and, some would argue, well outside the mainstream. His views on abortion are certainly not what most Americans would support.” Argued Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We had hoped he would nominate a woman to replace Justice O’Connor,” griped Senate minority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “How far will this president go to undermine a woman’s right to choose and to shamelessly pander to the religious Right?” sniped Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).
It will be interesting to see whether our Saviour will recuse Himself in cases where His divinity interferes with His judicial duty.
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From Scrappleface:
“In the spirit of the new government takeover of American homes and businesses,” said President George Bush, “We may have to seize the moment to condemn some aging, faded and blighted elements of the Supreme Court. Then we can replace them with something that will serve public purposes.”
Read the whole article.
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ScrappleFace reports that Howard Dean has uncovered massive Republican voter fraud:
“Thanks to their pale skin, round eyes and khaki trousers, Republicans just blend in,” said Mr. Dean. “So they vote, get in the back of the line and vote again. And because they’ve never made an honest living in their lives, they could do that all day long.”
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I was reading Jonathan Lasts’ compilation of Pope Benedict descriptions…
Pro-life, doctrinal, authoritarian, hard-line, fundamental, defender-of-the-faith, totalitarian, strict, inadmissable of other faiths, inquisitor, hostile to modernity, asserting papal supremacy, quashing internal debate and dissent…
…I’m speechless. I’ve just realized how divisive Jesus Christ was!
My favorite:
“Cardinal Ratzinger’s choice was sure to be controversial because of his unbending orthodoxy on fundamental doctrinal issues as well as his World War II record as a member although mandatory and unenthusiastic of the Hitler Youth.”
–John Phillips, Washington Times
I especially like “fundamental doctrinal issues” for redundancy and the almost-forgiving tone of the description of Ratzinger’s childhood. I wonder if Phillips would describe a rape victim’s situation in the same manner — mandatory and unenthusiastic. Sheesh.
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One wouldn’t think that when it comes to the five non-negotiables satire fits in the discussion very well. ScrappleFace has proven those people wrong. The headline reads: “Michael Schiavo to Auction Terri on eBay”.
The article goes on to “quote” Mr. Schiavo:
“It’s better than buying a pet,” said Mr. Schiavo. “Legally, you don’t even have to feed her. If you didn’t feed your dog, the authorities would take him away from you.”
Yes, it’s absurd enough for a satirical site to pick up on it.
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You have to love ScrappleFace. Sometimes, though, you have to wonder how far off from the truth the satire really is. Like, how about this?
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Good stuff from ScrappleFace:
As the news broke, White House political advisor Karl Rove released a statement denying any role in Mr. Dean’s election as DNC chairman.
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I was in the shower when Shelly called Sunday morning, a little before 7am. We had decided to go to 745 Mass so that Shelly could fix her cousin’s hair for the winter formal. The voicemail Shelly left said that her sister, Becky, went into labor and was in the hospital. We decided we would go to Mass and then head out to the hospital (they always say a woman’s first baby takes the longest). We arrived at the hospital shortly before 9am and quickly found the essentials: the waiting room (television) and cafeteria (coffee). For six and a half hours people waited while Becky suffered the pains associated with such an amazing human event. For six and a half hours Becky’s family waited around hoping above all hopes that a fetus would be magically tranformed into a child. At 3:28 the magic moment occurred. Lightning struck the clocktower, the hospital lights dimmed and then brightened, and a bird’s song was heard above all. At that climactic moment, when all time stopped, a baby girl named Mikayla entered the world. There was much rejoicing. Fortunately for Becky and Jim, the stars aligned for the passing through of the fetus to baby threshold.
I’m obviously kidding. Becky and Jim, plus their families have considered Mikayla a human being from the day they found out Becky was pregnant. Becky has talked often of the fact that Mikayla would wake up and move around when her dad got home from work (Jim often works an evening shift). Becky also knew that Mikayla often had the hiccups. Sure enough, when we visited with them last night, Mikayla had a case of the hiccups. Mikayla was even given her name as soon as the ultrasound gave a semi-clear indication that the baby was a girl. And, of course, Becky and Jim were considered parents in everyone’s eyes from the time they found out about the pregnancy.
I would like to congratulate Jim and Becky and Mikayla on the day after Mikayla’s birthday. It is absurd that people think there is a magic moment where a fetus is legitimized to the point of being considered a baby. Mikayla was a baby at conception, and at 3:28pm on the day after Christmas, two-thousand and four, decided she needed more space and independence.
Aunt Shelly and Mikayla
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ScrappleFace has some great stuff today, including an article about Microsoft blocking FireFox downloads.
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